Creative Samples July 1, 2021

Shauna’s Bust

A short play about ethics and art thievery. Runner-up, Playdate Theater Playwriting Contest, 2021.

Cast of Characters

Henry:

A man in his late 20's

Bernice:

A woman in her late 20's

Vern:

A man in his 30's

ACT 1

SCENE 1

AT RISE: HENRY walks into the living room, where an antique MARBLE BUST sits on the coffee table. He's talking on the phone.

HENRY

I'm sure you just left it here, babe...

(he looks around)

Yeah, it's right here on the coffee table.

HENRY sits on the couch and kicks his feet up onto the coffee table. He picks up the BUST and looks it over. It is large, bulky, and, from the way he's holding it, seems to be quite heavy.

HENRY (CONT'D)

You know, this thing is actually pretty ugly. Who's this supposed to be, anyway?

(beat)

Well, the Baroness had a bulbous nose, if you ask me.

(beat)

And you said it's worth how much, again?

(beat)

That's absurd. I guess I'm lucky to have such a sophisticated girlfriend who knows about these things. I seriously would have thought this was junk.

(beat)

Jesus, okay. I promise I won't let anything happen to it until you get home tonight. I'm pretty sure it will be safe on the coffee table here. Honestly, what could possibly happen to it?

(beat)

Well, I highly doubt that. Okay, okay, calm down. Shauna, I swear to god I will let no harm befall this ugly piece of priceless art. I won't let it out of my sight. Scout's honor. Okay. Okay. You too. Okay. See you tonight then.

He hangs up, irritated. He looks at the BUST once more.

HENRY (CONT'D)

(to the BUST)

I don't care what she says. You are ugly.

He sets it back on the coffee table with a CLUNK, stands, and LEAVES out the front door. A moment passes. And then: The living room window SQUEAKS open. BERNICE, dressed all in black, peeks her head through the narrow opening between the upper window pane and the A/C unit. She glances around before her eyes fall on the BUST. She attempts to reach it from her perch, but it's too far. With an EXASPERATED SIGH, she withdraws her head and tries to open the window farther. It won't budge. She tries again to squeeze through the opening. It's very tight. With a lot of squirming, she manages to wiggle her way farther in until she's dangling, halfway in and halfway out. She realizes she's stuck like this.

BERNICE

Fuck.

She tries again to reach the BUST. She stretches her arms as far as they can go, but it's still just out of reach.

BERNICE (CONT'D)

Oh, fuck me!

She wiggles and pushes desperately against the window. It's to no avail - she's definitely stuck. She manages to take her phone from her pocket and press it to her ear.

BERNICE (CONT'D)

Hello, Vern? Vern, thank god. It happened again.

(beat)

Yes, in the window. From the fire escape. Well, there's an air conditioner. I know. I know. Obviously, I know that now.

(beat)

Yes, it's right here. I can see it but I can't reach it. I need your help. Code Cinnam-

She's cut off by the sound of KEYS JANGLING in the door.

BERNICE (CONT'D)

Oh, god. Oh, fuck. Code Cinnamon! Vern, did you hear me? Cinnamon! Cinnamon!!!

She shoves the phone back into her pocket just as the DOOR OPENS. HENRY walks back in with a cup of coffee and a bagel in his hand. He looks understandably stunned to see BERNICE dangling halfway through his window.

HENRY

Hello?

BERNICE

Please don't call the police!

HENRY

Excuse me?

BERNICE

I'm, um... I live upstairs! I live upstairs, and I got locked out. So, I went up the fire escape, and I was just trying to get into my apartment!

Rather than alarmed, HENRY mostly looks bemused.

HENRY

Oh? Why are you dangling into my apartment, then, and not yours?

BERNICE

I must've miscounted the floors! Oh my goodness, I was so worried about getting into my apartment because I need to feed my dog! My little dog, Rover. He must be starving by now!

HENRY

You miscounted the floors?

BERNICE

Yes, that must be what happened! What floor is this, seven? I live on eight. Ugh, classic me. Such a bonehead. I wish I could say this is the first time I've done something like this!

HENRY

That's funny-

BERNICE

Isn't it?! It's really so funny when you think about it. Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself! Ha! So, anyway, if you could just help me-

HENRY

It's funny because I know the woman who lives upstairs.

He sits on the couch and unwraps his bagel, taking a huge bite before continuing.

HENRY (CONT'D)

And she looks nothing like you. Mrs. Garcia, I think is her name.

(another bite)

And the other funny thing is that she doesn't have a dog. She has, like, six cats. I know because my girlfriend feeds them when Mrs. Garcia goes out of town. So, something about your story isn't adding up.

BERNICE

I ... just moved in?

HENRY

Huh. I don't think you did. Do you know what I do think?

BERNICE

...what?

HENRY

I think you're breaking into my apartment. I think you're breaking the law. And I think you're trying to steal my girlfriend's priceless bust here, which she actually tried to warn me might happen. She said it was a very high-profile sale, and that people might be after it. I thought she was overreacting, because it's ugly as shit, and also because she overreacts to everything. But just this once, I don't think she was. I think she was right to be worried about this heinous thing, which is why she told me to guard it with my life.

(he takes another huge bite of his bagel)

What do you think about that?

BERNICE

Please, just... I'm begging you, please don't call the police.

HENRY

Why shouldn't I?

BERNICE

What?

HENRY

I said, why shouldn't I? Listen, I'm no huge fan of the police, myself. So, on one hand, I'm not exactly tripping over myself to have them storm into my place and break my window apart, all because of you. But on the other hand, my girlfriend, Shauna, will have my head if I let anything happen to this stupid collectible. So. Convince me. Why shouldn't I call the police?

A beat. BERNICE, still dangling, is deep in thought. Then:

BERNICE

Have you heard of the Executioner's Dilemma?

HENRY

No, I haven't.

BERNICE

Okay, so, there's an executioner. And he's set to execute a prisoner accused of terrible war crimes. The thing is, the executioner knows for a fact that the prisoner is innocent. He's already tried to tell the king, but no one will listen to a word he says. Everyone in the royal court believes beyond a shadow of a doubt that the prisoner is guilty of horrible crimes.

HENRY

What does this have to do with me?

BERNICE

Just listen and you'll see. The executioner could refuse to kill the prisoner, but the king would just hire someone else to do it instead. And a different executioner would probably draw out the death - you know, make it as painful as possible, as this particular prisoner is widely despised. If our executioner decides to complete the act himself, he can do it as quickly and painlessly as possible. However, he'll always live with the knowledge that he took an innocent life. What should he do?

HENRY

He should do it himself, obviously. Maybe he has to live with the guilt, but that's life. At least he knows he chose the lesser of two evils.

BERNICE

I agree with you. But there are some people who would say that the moral choice would be to abstain from violence, always. No matter the situation.

HENRY

So, in this little scenario, I'm the executioner?

BERNICE

The way I see it, you're the prisoner.

HENRY

Oh, I am?

BERNICE

Your amateur art collector girlfriend didn't know what she was getting into when she bought this bust at the Renfield auction.

(reaching for the BUST yet again)

This piece has a lot of history. And not just financial, but sentimental value to a few very powerful people. Now, I don't want anyone to get hurt over this, but I'm not the only person who knows where you live. So let me just say this: if I don't walk out of here with that bust in my hands, I think there might come a day when you look back and wish that I had.

HENRY

Hm! Interesting. How interesting that you would try to threaten me. In your current position, no less. If you knew me at all, you would know that I don't really respond to threats. More of a honey guy than vinegar, you might say.

As he's talking, HENRY takes the BUST from the coffee table and moves it to the kitchen counter, where it is even further from BERNICE's reach. He returns to the couch.

BERNICE

Well, I was also trying to illustrate that the choice I'm making here is a moral one, even if it might not seem like it to you.

HENRY

Oh, right. The choice you're making, meaning breaking halfway into my apartment and trying to steal my girlfriend's shit?

BERNICE

Listen, I'm trying to tell you that there are people out there who are worse than I am. You haven't met my competitors.

HENRY

If that's supposed to scare me, you clearly haven't met my girlfriend.

BERNICE

Sounds like you two are close.

HENRY

Oh, yes. We're very close. We stay nice and close in this wonderful apartment that she bought for me to live in. And on the Caribbean vacations she takes me on. The high society dinners she invites me to. All of that just makes us feel so close.

BERNICE

I see. And you feel satisfied in this relationship?

HENRY

I don't know if I would go that far. But it's a sweet deal. All I have to do is keep Shauna happy. It's easier said than done, actually. The woman is impossible to please. She really makes my life hell, to be honest. Hey, do you want a drink?

BERNICE

(surprised)
Why not?

HENRY

Precisely.

He crosses to the kitchen and pours two glasses of brown liquor. He brings one of them to BERNICE, who is of course still dangling halfway through the window. They clink glasses.

BERNICE

Do you love her?

HENRY

I don't think so. But I'm not sure it matters.

He walks downstage and faces the audience, swirling the ice in his drink as he speaks.

HENRY (CONT'D)

I used to think I would fall in love and get married one day. My father was in love with my mother and I always admired that about him. It was one of the only things I admired about him, actually. But it turns out I wasn't much interested in leading a normal life. A workaday job, family responsibilities, bills to pay - god, it all sounds so fucking boring.

BERNICE

I know what you mean.

HENRY

Then I met Shauna. I fell in love with her life. Her beauty, her access, her sense of entitlement to all these things I'd never had.

As HENRY is soliloquizing, the FRONT DOOR silently opens a few inches. VERN, dressed in the same black burglar's clothes as BERNICE, crawls into the apartment on his belly. Behind HENRY's back, BERNICE frantically motions toward the BUST, which is now sitting on the kitchen counter. VERN army-crawls in that direction.

HENRY (CONT'D)

I swore to myself when I met her that I would do whatever it takes to ingratiate myself into her life.

VERN reaches the kitchen. He carefully removes the BUST from the countertop, struggling to slip the heavy object into his bag without making a sound.

HENRY (CONT'D)

I listen to her complain about her vapid friends, I let her berate me when I don't know something about the Kardashians, and I go to her boring gallery openings full of ugly art. And she may be petty and shallow and kind of stupid, but she has opened a lot of doors for me.

HENRY glances over his shoulder to address BERNICE. Seeing this, VERN DUCKS behind the kitchen counter to avoid being seen.

HENRY (CONT'D)

And I've worked hard for those opportunities, in a way. She doesn't make it easy, I'll tell you that.

BERNICE

Do you think, on some level, she knows what you're doing?

HENRY turns back downstage. VERN, with the BUST cradled in his arms, moves toward the door.

HENRY

Christ, sometimes I wonder. But no. She's not that smart. I don't think she even realizes how valuable her lifestyle is to someone like me, who comes from nothing. She's never considered it.

VERN opens the FRONT DOOR and slips back out of the apartment without making a sound. HENRY turns back toward BERNICE. He doesn't seem to notice the BUST is gone.

HENRY (CONT'D)

All that to say, I'm not going to cave to your hollow threats because I have too much on the line. I've already put so much time and effort into making Shauna happy, I'm not going to fuck it all up now and just let you walk away with her newest, shiniest toy.

BERNICE

Jesus, I feel bad for the girl. You sound like a bit of a psychopath.

HENRY

(laughing)

Maybe I do. I guess I do feel remorse sometimes, but not too often. Wouldn't you do the same thing, if you were in my shoes?

BERNICE

What do you mean?

HENRY

I mean, if you had the opportunity, wouldn't you exploit someone for their wealth? Isn't it the same as thievery, morally speaking? You'd certainly be better off legally.

BERNICE

I steal art. It's a victimless crime.

HENRY

Shauna would be the victim here.

BERNICE

But she's loaded. Like you said, it's just a toy to her. She'll forget all about it as soon as something else comes along. But what you're stealing from her - time, intimacy, trust - those are wounds that last forever.

HENRY

(shrugging)

You said yourself that the bust has sentimental value to some of these people who apparently want it so badly. Nothing's personal until you make it personal.

(beat)

Besides, haven't you ever stolen from someone you knew? Someone you loved?

BERNICE looks stunned. Before she can respond, she is sharply pulled backward, as if from the fire escape.

BERNICE

Ow!

With one more sharp motion, BERNICE is pulled back out of the window and off-stage.

BERNICE (CONT'D)

(off)

Ouch! Jesus Christ, Vern! What took you so long?

We hear the SMASH of her glass and the CLANGING of two sets of footsteps on metal stairs.

HENRY

What the fuck?

He runs to the window and looks out in shock.

HENRY (CONT'D)

How did you...?

He looks back around the apartment and finally sees that the BUST is gone.

HENRY (CONT'D)

(shouting out the window)

HEY! Hey! Bring that back! I promise I won't call the police, but I need that fucking bust!

(beat)

I really don't want to have to climb down this fire escape!

He attempts to squeeze himself through the upper window pane and the A/C unit. He gets stuck halfway through.

HENRY (CONT'D)

HEY! Come back up here! I'm stuck, I need help! Fuck, what am I supposed to do? Can you hear me? Hello? Hello?

He wriggles desperately to free himself, but he is stuck with his legs dangling into the living room - the inverse of the position BERNICE was stuck in. He SCREAMS and thrashes wildly against the window frame as the CURTAIN FALLS.